I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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