Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
