So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
