toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
