Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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