Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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