**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
