A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
