I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
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In other news, I just burned my penis
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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