There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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