I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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