Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
