I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
