she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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