i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
