when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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