where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Drunk is not a location!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
