the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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