look no pants
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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