Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
