Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize