I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
