Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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