im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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