I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i now understand why vodka
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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