You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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