Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
