I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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