jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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