my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
