U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
