Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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