I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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