I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize