apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
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Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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