I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
