she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
