Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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