the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
