News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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