I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
