I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
