she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
