why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
