No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
