Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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