I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
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