Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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