Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
