im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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