i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
