If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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