Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
