There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
