I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
