i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
