saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
