this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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