4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
